If you know what might give you it, do everything to get it, no matter how bad it makes you feel for now.

Otherwise, keep searching and remember good things come to those who wait (hopefully)

08/05/10: Temporary happiness as a respite is no better, the feeling when it goes is even worse than never having had it.

But if solving these problems changes who I am and how I treat my friends, then I’m not sure I want to. But I need to so I guess I’ll plow on anyway. I’m just going to have to try to keep checking how I treat people, and I hope people will tell me if I treat people differently.

I hope you all had a good easter, see you soon

It seems strange writing something to you that you’ll never read or see, and addressing it to you when really it goes to all of the people who write the music I listen to, though the most important was written by you.

Music is my place of solace, it makes me feel better, safe, less alone. Gives me the strength to carry on trying. Gets me out of the self-destructive mindset and overrides worry.

Without your music, I don’t know if I’d still be here. I certainly wouldn’t still be at university. But thanks to it (and the people who help me) I’m still succeeding at some things, and getting better at those things that need work.

These 4 walls have never seemed so restrictive as they do right now, but I know that music will help me survive the next weeks/months.

Thank You

Aidan Chalk

(After a days consideration this blog isn’t the original post I wanted to write, maybe I’m a coward, maybe I just care about other people too much, and the first paragraph related to that entry, I just decided to leave it in anyway. After a few more, I’m nowhere near sorting my thoughts out, but I’m going to try anyway. I also apologise for the fragmentation, this has taken so many attempts to write and I’ve been in so many different moods while doing it).

I don’t know if I should write this entry. It seems selfish and I don’t want people to worry. But I think I’ve sorted my thoughts out enough to write in a way people understand, no pointless cryptic tweets or confusing conversation.

In many ways I hugely enjoyed February. Despite huge stress from work, I got out and did things with people, from films and pool to bar crawls to just sitting with friends and talking. I loved all that time, even the group work at uni I enjoyed far more than usual. It just seemed the more I did with people the more difficult some of the time spent alone became.

If it were constant pain I could deal with more of it, wash it away, but the swings from feeling fine to maddeningly down about things (and back again) come so quickly and often with no warning. Knowing that its all in my head never prepares me for the next time, nor does it make it easier to deal with . I’ve occasionally found myself wishing for things to go back to how they were, which is madness. Occasionally even wanting someone or something to physically hurt me.

It feels so strange; I’ve attempted to let the world into my life and now I’m stuck. No way or desire to go back to where I was, but no ability to move forwards and get where I want to be. I’ve lost the ability to concentrate on my work, to survive by myself and often, to care about myself – things I could do under 2 months ago. I know of only 1 thing that has changed in that time, and I don’t think it has caused all this.

I wish I could act on instinct sometimes, have the ability to live here and now, with the occasional idea/plan for the future. To live in the real world instead of the pessimistic world inside my head.

I know how many things I’m trying to improve my self confidence and self-image, stupid small things, but maybe they’ll help. I know those are the 2 things that have to change, if nothing else. And sometimes I feel like maybe I’m getting somewhere, but it comes crashing back down, and each time it does its slightly harder to restart. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone that halfway through my first year here I was too scared to go to lectures, rooms of over a hundred people, almost all of them unfamiliar. On occasion I’ve had much the same feeling about leaving my room once again, wanted to lock myself away and hide from everything again, but this time I can deal with it, so I guess thats progress. I know now I massively underestimated how difficult it would be to get out of this self-destructive frame of mind, but even though its hard I’m encouraged that I still want to try, and still get so much encouragement from my friends.

Thank You x

I still have far to go to be where I want to be, but recently some part of me has finally realised that most of that I can do myself and now is the time to do just that.

I mostly just want to say thanks to all my friends and even the university for giving me another chance and not giving up on me .

When you’re busy, there’s never enough time to do things, no time to think. And yes, there’s worry you’re not going to get it done in time, but that’s just motivation to work harder.

When you’re busy, you can procrastinate, and it seems interesting/fun.

I’ve spent most of 2.5 years at uni thinking I didn’t mind being by myself. That I could cope in a house in which I barely know the people I live with. And yet, only a week into term, little to no work to do on assignments, and little motivation to do reading around the current topics it turns out that I do mind.

And makes me wonder how I’ve escaped from it for so long (though I guess I know).

I guess it’s finally dawned on me now since I’m ahead of deadlines for once. I don’t feel capable of invading people’s houses when many of my closest friends have hardly started networks and with a SEG deadline in 4 days. I also feel that as someone who is supposedly so adept at his course I should be able to motivate myself to do work that might be useful later in my degree. However, I don’t enjoy coding, only the thought about how to do a system, and validating that thought process, or proving my own understanding of something. It just happens that those tend to come through coding on my degree.

Unfortunately, coding is the alternative to sitting around feeling crap at the moment, so coding it is (and attempting to write).

Escaping from being with me like that is not a long term solution; this I now know, but if it keeps me sane while alone until next term it’s probably not so bad. Especially since I know I’m doing it, and it’s not what I “want” to do.

I apologise for this blog being so pessimistic, but writing is easier?/better? than thinking. Or something. I don’t know, I think it helps.

Ok, its just a blog about music :p. I’ve spent most of today, going through various music by the ultimate in geniousness (is that a word?), Nobuo Uematsu (if you wish, listen to the piece at the bottom while you read ).

I guess many people will know who he is, but not all. Nobuo is a Japanese composer, who primarily has risen to “fame” through the work he created for the Final Fantasy series, with most critical acclaim for the soundtracks of Final Fantasy VII and VIII. In more recent times, he has worked on other projects, notably The Black Mages, my favouritist band in the entire universe. Ok, its geeky, but bear with me (also I study Computer Science, what did you expect? ).

Due to the nature of the music he has written, and where it has been hidden, I feel that Uematsu has achieved little of the fame/recognition he truly deserves. Had he been born 200 years ago, his music would leave him up there with people like Mozart or Haydn (pick your own composer).

The power of music has really come back to me today. When playing through FF7/8 as a teenager (hell, I probably first saw FF7 when i was 8-10) I never noticed how powerful the music was, too busy concentrating on deciphering the storylines. My previous entry linked to 2 pieces, one played when you take to the sky in an ‘airship’, one played before an attack on/defence of a city. Once such associations are made, the music has more meaning, and Ride On has quickly returned to being a piece of music I love. It is as close as you can get to a musical description of what flight would feel like.

But, as is the nature of any RPG, there are moments of suspense, of surprise, happiness and of sorrow and loss. Uematsu clamps deeply onto these emotions also, with pieces like ‘On That Day Five Years Ago’, ‘Liberi Fatali’ (which appeared at the 2004 Olympics) and ‘Love Grows’ (partlyadapted from Faye Wong’s single ‘Eyes on Me’ which he wrote, and I would recommend to listen to, a beautiful and historic piece of music).

There are many reasons I’m not looking forward to Final Fantasy XIV, the biggest being the fact its an MMORPG. But over all those reasons there is (for me) just one reason that will make me almost certainly buy the game, if not play it a huge amount. Nobuo is back, and the piece of released music on the website leads me to believe that the FF14 soundtrack will rival those of old.

I guess a big part of what I want to say in this blog is that Computer Game Music is often overlooked in terms of musical prowess or sound, often fairly, but Nobuo is far from the only gifted composer in the field. Or indeed emotion, which for me is what music is an extension of. The modern music industry seems populated by mediocre artists, there to look good on stage or perform ‘catchy’, yet in my opinion, often bland tunes.

This blog is already far longer than I expected, or especially wished it to be, and doesn’t really say much except “listen to Uematsu” so I’ll just leave you with this (NB. video contains spoiler if you care )

I used to be easy to wind up, lots of raised voices. Maybe it was the way I grew up, the things I never talk about (like my parents divorce) were full of raised voices, arguments and broken objects. I finally recognized this problem in myself, and now feel maybe its too hard to get in a position where I feel its worth fighting for things, though its far better this way than before.

Of course violence is never the answer, nor in my opinion do raised voices do anything more than cause more friction. Knowing how I stand on these issues shows me I’ve grown up alot over the last 6-12 months, since finally settling into uni and making friends. Though it feels now as though aggravation has become apathy.

Discussion and reasoned debate is the solution to problems, though I tend to lapse into silence and over think any response I may wish to make (a sign perhaps, I need more of a life ).

I know that my inability to deal with conflict (and not neccesarily that involves me) needs to change, and I’m sure with time it will, and hopefully the steps I wish to take with the rest of my life will help me move on.

Reading Caz’s latest blog led me to think about what makes me happy these days, and it seems many of them are the things I find most difficult. Its nice that people are starting to return to Durham now, good to see my friends and I’m not ashamed to say I’m looking forward to term starting again, as much as I complain about the workload.

Finally, I’m going to leave you with 2 pieces of music that remind me of good times, and reading Nobuo’s (or whoever is pretending to be him) blog (http://uematsublog.blogspot.com/) has suddenly returned to my memory (and yes they’re geeky but I simply don’t care )

Hopefully over summer I’ll find the time to arrange The Landing in a less jaggedy detached sound, possibly involving guitars (and lots and lots of synth ) if I can find people to play it

I hate spiders. If there is a spider visible in a room, then that room will generally be one not occupied by me in 5 seconds. The thought of a spider touching me, or a large spider in close proximity to me makes me feel ill.

I remember whilst getting ready to go home at the end of last year (in summer) I felt something land in my hair. Instinctively, I ran my hand into my hair to take it out and looked at it. There was a spider, roughly the size of a 1p piece. After a second, I threw it onto my computer (that I needed to pack) and sat unable to move, hugged up on my chair for at least 5 minutes. I wanted to cry, except I was far too panicky and scared of some tiny 1 cm long creature, which was probably less dangerous to me than a Mars bar.

That’s the problem with irrational fears isn’t it? They is no reason to be scared, and yet they’re the thing you least want to deal with.

What are you scared of, and how much so?

As most people I speak to know, I don’t believe in the widely regarded idea of “Climate Change” (because “Global Warming” was just wrong). That is to say, I don’t believe Climate Change is something mankind has an effect on, nor am I convinced by the arguments that its occuring at all. Many people (for no readily apparent reason) seem to think that because I don’t believe in such a concept, that I think energy saving is a waste of time, which I really don’t. Not only does it cost money, but I know for definite the oil is running out – and we’re nowhere near ready for that to happen.

I remember growing up in a world worried about oil shortages, with predictions of us running out around 2010. Obviously they found more oil since, but our usage has increased and we’re not much closer to finding a solution.

The modern media seem obsessed with Climate Change. They seem to love the way they can use it to bully everyone. With noone to check how they choose to represent “data” (http://xkcd.com/558/), its ludicrously easy for the media to manipulate the way the public see things. There are as many reports against climate change as there are for it, and yet when was the last time you saw an argument against it in the british press, or on TV?

The way world governments hand Climate Change is also a massive joke. There is alot of talk of “green” energy, and energy saving measures, but if climate change is real and manmade, then nothing we are currently working at will do a thing, except delay it for about 5 years. Great… Taxing 4x4s? That is really going to help. The closest thing the government has done to working towards a solution was the promise of more nuclear power stations. While I don’t necessarily agree that nuclear power is a long-term solution (or good idea), in the short-term it was a great plan to cut down on oil usage (or keep it level). I don’t know if its still going ahead, but the media who are so concerned with ‘climate change’ shouted down the idea…make up your minds?

The only solution, either to ‘climate change’ or more importantly the oil shortage is massive investment in developing other power sources, most notably wind energy (in the UK at least, unless they can turn rain into electricity? ). Wind energy is another source of hypocrisy from the British public (I can’t speak for other countries). Everyone talks about wanting to be green, to cut down on CO2 emissions etc.etc. but when people want to place wind farms neither people are willing to have them nearby due to the way they look, nor is anyone willing to put the money in to build offshore wind farms. Moving to temporary solutions such as fast-growing forests for wood based power would also be useful (which is carbon neutral, the only carbon in the trees comes from CO2 in the air). As the recession goes on, with no investment in such things appearing either in R+D or significant enough investment in actually implementing these systems, I’m beginning to worry that we might be leaving it too late, and that the future simply will not cope with the way we all currently live our lives.

The more I read in the media, the more disenchanted I become with the idea of a free press.

I guess what I want to say is this: Whether you believe in climate change is irrelevant. The only way forward from here is either backward, or through massive investment in alternative energy. Currently our government (and most others) are doing nothing about this, and that needs to change before its too late.